I do believe this is my first visit back since my situation went from “normal” to surreal. While I’m not allowed (by order of a judge, no less!) to discuss this mess… I’m fairly certain anyone who knows me will be privy to the pickle I find myself in. Those people can talk about it all they want… actually, I encourage it.
Even I myself sometimes question what constitutes a “mental illness”. Well, does it matter if anxiety or PTSD are reactionary as opposed to organic and part of a person’s personality. It doesn’t matter… they arrive, they overstay their welcome, and it’s “mental”… not in the head like a less understanding observer might say, but mental that they are indeed in your head.
So, if anyone is doubting these are real things, don’t. I’ve done the research (I’m working on my doctorate), and they are real… it doesn’t matter how… they impair.
I can feel my way through a lot of things. Depression, mania (sometimes), but the anxiety is intolerable. Fear is… fear.
Maybe not so oddly, I’ve been becoming increasingly thinking of ways to just escape. Alcohol or stronger would certainly make things tolerable in the short run… five minutes or so. This is the danger zone… one any addict should monitor like a brush fire. Thank God I haven’t resorted to that particular poison, but it has crossed my mind. The lesson’s from past relapses I’ve had are finally sticking… like glue. I drink, I die. Literally, my nine lives have been breeding, but cats can only give birth so many times before their baby-making parts blow out.
Oh well… hopefully I can get back into the groove of this thing… I like doing it, and when I let life’s healthy pleasures fall by the wayside, that just makes room for the monsters in me.
Be well, don’t take any wooden nickels, and for Lord’s sake, don’t put stuff on the internet that might come back to bite you. Legal entanglements aren’t worth it… unless they are, and mine is… all mortification and embarrassment aside.